Sighted!

Asian Food Staple strongly encourages you to take your Santa-tracking seriously this year. Ringo Starr sure is! Maybe I'm just extremely out of touch, but I hardly recognize anyone after the first few famous mugs (including Ringo's) in the "Celebrity Messages" section. And honestly, I'm not sure I want to live in a world where people with names like George Stroumboulopoulos, Paul Gross, and Brett Butt can become "celebrities." Anyway, don't miss the sample video...

I've been investigating the troubling question of Josh Zimmerman's true identity for several months now. It all started at my wedding, where my cousins were getting in line to paw at Josh. "Why, it's Russell Crowe!" they squealed as they offered up napkins and bosoms for his autograph. Later discussions were not terribly effective in dissuading them from their initial identification. Later, I uncovered a similar incident (minus the bosoms) surrounding a gay restauranteur who had the pleasure of waiting on Josh. This fellow also made the Crowe-Zimmerman connection, and Josh scored an invitation to an after-dinner party strictly based on the merits of his Crowe-like visage. For years I've denied that there's any meat to this accusation. Mmm, meat. But now, after much thought and a week of running Josh's stats through my Identity Sexuppifier, I firmly believe that I have finally uncovered Josh's closely-guarded secret. By day he is Josh Zimmerman, mild-mannered Master's degree candidate. By night, however, he reverts to his more sinister form; he becomes... celebrated actor and assault enthusiast Russell Crowe!

Josh Groban is a lucky fella. Monday night, thousands of women were shrieking his name as he performed to a packed audience at Virginia’s Nissan Pavilion. Unfortunately for the twentysomething Groban, the median age of the ladies in question was about 45.

I didn't see any new movies or TV shows or, well, anything at all last week because my vision was obscured by a forty-foot-tall eye stye. But lucky for me, my hideous deformation subsided just in time for me to behold, in all of its glory, the fleshy, majesterial preponderance known to the world as Josh's butt.