Spoiler alert! Additionally, this bitmap theater production has been deemed offensive to the following people by the MPAA:
*Mayans
*Effeminate British men
*Tony Randall
*Monkeys
*Exceptionally gay pirates
*Keira Knightly

So there’s this rich powerful girl who’s the daughter of the governor, and she rescues this boy who gets shipwrecked after pirates attack his ship. He has this really cool pirate medallion, which she steals from him because girls are like monkeys and they can’t resist shiny objects.

Many years pass and the girl turns into a hot lady with booblies and she has the hots for Orlando Bloom, but hey, who doesn’t? And Orlando Bloom has the hots for her, even though he should theoretically have the hots for me and me alone, but hey it’s a movie so I’ll allow it to stray from reality somewhat.

Unfortunately Orlando Bloom is poor and makes swords all day and is therefore inherently not cool enough to marry the hot lady, even though she and her booblies would enjoy this match immensely.

So instead this doofus naval admiral proposes to her, but before she can say, “But I thought you were gay? I mean, your accent, your clothes, that hat you wear with all the feathers in it… Are you sure you’re not gay?”, she is abducted by pirates.

But these are not just any pirates! They are the cursed Pirates of the Caribbean! These pirates are cursed with being the living dead because they stole some crap from the Mayans, a South American people who died out because they neglected to get their flu shots before the Spanish showed up.

Orlando Bloom is super pissed that the pirates have stolen his woman, so when he meets Jonny Depp, The Exceptionally Gay Pirate, and they set off together to go rescue this chick and destroy the cursed pirates. While they are chasing the cursed pirates’ ship, the titular Black Pearl, The Exceptionally Gay Pirate tells Orlando Bloom that his dad was a pirate also, and that he was offed by the Black Pearl pirates. So now Orlando Bloom is really super pissed at the pirates because they are basically not-nice people, and he doesn’t want to be a bad piratey person, so he walks around frowning a lot.

But in the end Orlando Bloom goes all pirate on us audience-types, which is good because pirate pants look super-nice on him. The Black Pearl pirates agree, and so they hand the kidnapped girl over to Orlando Bloom sadly, because they know their pants are from K-Mart and will never make her happy.

Then if you stayed for the credits, you saw that the monkey from the beginning came back and yelled, "THERE IS GOING TO BE A SEQUEL!"

THE END.