I Spy With My Little Stye...
Submitted by afsadmin on March 29, 2004 - 18:08.
Sighted!
I didn't see any new movies or TV shows or, well, anything at all last week because my vision was obscured by a forty-foot-tall eye stye. But lucky for me, my hideous deformation subsided just in time for me to behold, in all of its glory, the fleshy, majesterial preponderance known to the world as Josh's butt.
Yes, that's right ladies - line up to touch the hem of my garment, for I have now seen Josh's posterior not once, but twice! Are you turning green with envy? Or is it just something you ate?
The last time I beheld Josh's butt, I was a concealed and unwelcome intruder in his domain. In that instance, the butt was merely a brief flash accompanied by a shamed giggle, glimpsed in mid-run as a surprised and nekkid Josh bolted from the shower to his bedroom. But this time the butt attacked me in my own home. Is no place safe?
As I came thundering down the stairs Saturday afternoon, I heard a cry of, "Uthuttt... whuuuhh!" Pants-changing Josh heard me coming downstairs and had to make a quick decision: if he ran into the laundry room, I would not see The Butt but Mel would have a clear shot of The Wang. If he ran around the breakfast bar, Mel would be spared the sight of The Wang but would suffer The Butt, and I would recieve the wrath of The Wang. So Josh, swim trunks in hand, went for Option 3. Around the corner ran The Butt in a desperate attempt to conceal itself in the hall bathroom. But alas, all those hours in the gym have not improved Josh's sprinting ability, and so for a brief moment as I came down the stairs, there it was - The Rear I Fear. For a few enchanted seconds, there was nothing else in the world but me, gap-mouthed and wide-eyed, and Josh's Butt. Never have I beheld a cheerier posterior; it practically frolicked to the bathroom.
In closing, for the sake of science and the advancement of knowledge, I would like to present to you a synopsis of the changes I have noticed in this particularly elusive, endangered species since I first discovered it four years ago. Here is a chart comparing the characteristics of the creature in 2000 and 2004:
| Demonstrated perkiness | Flight speed | Observed Natural Habitat | |
|---|---|---|---|
| 2000 | Rather perky | 5 mph | Apartment Residence Facility |
| 2004 | Disturbingly perky | 5.4 mph | My house! Why did it have to be in my house?! |
I blame genetics
Submitted by Anonymous on March 31, 2004 - 18:02.
If I were Josh (and I curse myself every day for not being so) I would be overjoyed that when my precious precious parts are referred to on a Web site, they are not only capitalized, but accompanied with "The."
"Which wang are you guys talking about?"
"The Wang."
"Ohhh, Josh's."
Re: I Spy With My Little Stye...
Submitted by Anonymous on March 29, 2004 - 23:18.
The sad truth of this universe is that no amount of pleading, arguing, reasoning, or bribing will reduce Josh's need to run around naked. I think it's one of the laws of Thermodynamics. Josh's butt can be changed from one form or another, but it can not be created or destroyed.
Re: I Spy With My Little Stye...
That whole "changing form" aspect sounds wicked rad. Is The Butt like a transformer? Does it morph back into a VW bug or a semi? That would be so much cooler than what my butt does. Every day until 5, my butt takes the shape of my padded desk chair, and then when I leave work it returns to its original state, two nearly indistinguishable lumps. Sigh...